09 September 2017

564: Are we FREE?

Free. What does it mean to be free? How do you define 'free'? What if you found out how you defined the word free actually enslaved you to an experience that is lesser than your full potential?

In some previous writings, it was revealed that I equate being thin with being free and through this I realized free is a word that I can redefine and actually LIVE for myself through my actions and so no longer limit its definition to be only of a picture in my mind of what free is, which at the moment is a specific body type as being thin.

If you are new to the idea of redefining and living words, there is a facebook page dedicated to sharing one's process with redefining words, as well as many videos on youtube explaining the process as well. You can check that out here and here.

Essentially I came to know about redefining and living words many years ago and was walking a process with it for quite some time, taking on many words that I wanted to live and express myself and in my life. I, however, as mentioned in a previous blog, faced some resistance more recently to the process though as I shared, when facing resistances, the only way through it is to actually walk through it - do that which you resist. And so let's begin.

I want to first start this process with some self-forgiveness on my current definition of the word free as through self-forgiveness I have come to find is where the gems of insights and realizations exist. The more you do the self-forgiveness on a particular point/topic, the more you are uncovering the ideas and beliefs and self definitions and as you apply each line, it's like another layer is remove and what you have left is the truth, raw, and real points that leave one self-empowered to actually direct oneself and one's life and one's relationship to things/people/relationships to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word free to be an image in my mind of a slender/thin body of a woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word free to be of an image in my mind and not a living action I can take and express

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I were thin, then I would be free and so within this realizing that if I am not thin as how I have defined it, then I am not free and so I have already enslaved myself within my own definition of the word FREE which in its essence means to be without restrictions/open/uninfluenced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to a word that I've defined in limitation as free being an image in my mind that realistically I can NEVER live up to and so forever enslaving myself to this definition/image in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I were thin life would be so much easier

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I were to simply change how I define the word FREE, I could FREE myself from a limitation and a definition that at its core enslave me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that life is easier for those that are thinner and to think and believe that people who are not thin have a more difficult time/life experience instead of realizing that through my acceptance and allowance of such an idea/definition, I am perpetuation that very way of thinking to exist - and not just in myself, in all others as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reinforce an idea within society that thin is being better than fat and thus fuel a comparison, judgment, and shame for all people as then we are constantly attempting to be something we think is good, and not wanting to be something we think is bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a reality where body type is revered as something greater in value than WHO a person is

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize that through my own definition of the word FREE, I am not actually free as I am forced to follow an idea as a picture image in my mind of what free is, and in that force to feel a certain way if I am not that

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to chain myself to the belief that woman have to be one shape and size and anything more than that is no longer appealing, is difficult and challenging and is somehow inferior

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to sustain the idea within myself and others that the shape of one's body matters more than who the being is within their body

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to free myself from my own mental slavery as the images I hold within my mind of what I believe I should look like instead of accepting, embracing and caring for the body I have/am

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to project the idea that others want me to be thinner and if I was, I would be more interesting and appealing to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave my express/beingness/character/personality to be according to the shape of my body in thinking if I were thinner I would be more expressive and more fun and more interesting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict myself in how I would like to live to be based on the shape of my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate expressing myself freely and unconditionally because of an idea that I am not thin enough/appealing enough and so I should not draw any attention to myself

When and as I see myself thinking and believing I am a failure because I cannot live up to an image in my head of what it means to be free, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in my definition of the word free, I have in fact enslaved myself and limited myself to express myself openly and unconditionally and without changing my definition I will never free myself from the images within my mind and so I commit myself to remove these images in my mind of what it means to be free as having a thin body and rather embrace the body I have - the physical matter I am made up of and to focus rather on WHO I AM IN MATTER as my physical body as that is absolutely what matters most

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the idea within this world that to be thin is to be free and instead expand my definition of the word FREE to be a living action that I can express daily in who I am

I commit myself to explore how I can live and define the word free that is best for me and so for others

I commit myself to free myself from the definition of the word free I currently have that actually enslaves me



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06 September 2017

563: Resistance and Redefining Words

And so continuing with walking through this resistance to redefining words with the support of self-forgiveness which allows me to gift of self-empowerment, to change my perspective, and understanding of myself and who I am in relation to resistances, and redefining words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist redefining words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea that I just resist redefine words and make this a part of my story as a self-definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a resistance to redefining words for quite some time instead of moving through the resistance as I see I am able and ultimately what must be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when facing a resistance to redefining words and not move that extra bit to walk through the resistance as I realize it's possible and can be done, I must only make the decision to do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate when facing resistance instead of yes acknowledging that it's here, but still consistently move through, like breathing, in and out, in and out, a constant flow that sustains me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist redefining words as the ultimate source to who I am in relation to my world - to people, things, circumstances, and situations - realizing that if I were to change how I define words, I would change myself, my actions, my experience and so my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define redefining words has hard work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist hard work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist putting in the extra effort necessary to walk through resistance, without realizing that the first step is always the hardest, but as I've seen for myself, once you decide to do something, and you physically MOVE yourself to do it, soon the resistance release and you are here, as you always were

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the resistance to redefining words and use it as an excuse and justification to stop the process of changing/redefining myself in relation to my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by definitions of the past where I give in too quickly, or don't push myself hard enough, or buckle in the face of something difficult instead of practicing LIVING the WORD disciplined, and steadfast and determined to get this done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for stopping at the face of resistance as thinking I've failed instead of realizing that a baby does not see it'self as a failure when it falls starting to walk and so realizing what it takes to learn, to develop, and to grow and expand is to KEEP TRYING and not see it as a fail just a fall that I can easily pick myself up from again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my resistance to redefining words as allowing it to determine what I do and don't do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the potential and power within my own awareness and presence and ability to make a decision to physically move and act to become and live the word that I choose to live like free

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to realize that the process of redefining words is ultimately the point of removing resistances from me where I can stand in any moment with anyone in any circumstance and KNOW who I am as I have DEFINED me for myself and not allowed my mind of emotions and feelings based in fear and self-interest determine/define who I am

When and as I see myself resisting redefining words, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that resistances are of support in seeing exactly where I must go as it is a self-created boundary and limit I have imposed on myself and so I am the only one that can remove it and go beyond it and so I commit myself to facing, embracing and walking through my resistances to redefining words as realizing it is the only way

When and as I see myself hesitate in the face of resistance, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in my hesitation I am questioning my self-ability to be self-directive which can create consequences in the mind as the revenge of the ego to take over and so I commit myself to, in the face of hesitation and resistance, to breathe and embrace the resistance but to keep moving as the next breath, the next movement, the next moment, the next action - to stay aware of myself as my potential and power to direct me and define me

I commit myself to walk this redefining and living words process to purify the words I think and speak, and so live




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05 September 2017

562: Ego, Breath, and Consistent Self-Movement

The last three days have been insightful. After the last blog I wrote about seeing a word necessary to redefine and live a certain, familiar wall came up. I have for quite some time faced a lot of resistance to the process of redefining words, and this time was no different. And while I'm aware it's something I must simply walk through, that awareness didn't make it any easier, and I basically stopped for a moment. Like gathering myself in preparation of what I must do, which is walk through this resistance.

So while having this resistance and not moving through it directly, I also experienced a lot of 'fall backs' if you will in the past three days. The frustrations of not being a certain weight or having a certain look, and the judgments towards food and exercise, and the impatience to walk real change - basically everything I walked in my blogs last week - became a possession within me where most of my weekend my mind was consumed with losing weight, and not being satisfied with where I'm at.

I can say that walking with this point in the blogs last week did support with an underlying awareness of what I was facing, though I can still see there is a lot of work to be done in relation to this point. I also listened to a recording by Bernard Poolman that also very much clarified my experience. It's called "Revenge of the Ego" and the first part of this recording really hit home to what I was experiencing and supported me to see how to support myself.

And of course, always being the point, and so simply we might easily forget... the breath. The breath being key to constantly disengaging from the mind and being present/here with self where one has the most potential for being directive over one's emotions, feelings, and overall mental state. And for me specifically what I can see now as I write this is that in me missing that moment of the next day, and the next blog, and instead allowing myself to stop within the resistance, I gave room to the mind, to the ego to takes it revenge. It's like the in breath and the out breath, it's a constant, consistent movement, in and out, in and out. I missed the breath, as the day, as the blog, as the next step in the process I've been walking to sort myself out of this mess of a relationship I have with my body yet I gave in at the crucial moment of change and so sabotaged myself basically in allowing the flow as the journey to continue. I guess it's like a hiccup, a miss step, a miss-take. But of course you live and you learn. Now I know the importance of keeping it consistent, to keeping the movement of self going because if you are not moving you, then that leaves the mind to move you. Example: Idle hands are the devils playground.

Let the breathing and moving continue...




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02 September 2017

561: Thin = Freedom?

A couple of blogs ago I wrote an interesting statement - relating being thin/not fat to freedom. It was a subtle slip of words that I didn't necessarily know I even had as an association - but there it was, in my own words.

So here is an example of how we define words and according to that definition, we live words. So one dimension of the word freedom in how I define it was to be thin, not fat or overweight, and this definition is justified through images in my mind of certain body types that I defined that if one had, one was free.

But now what happens if we are not that - if we are not how we define the words, such as free? If I don't have or my body is not this certain body type in my mind that I define as 'free' then what would my experience be? I am not living the word free in its absolute, purest definition because I don't have this body type which I've equated to being free. And so explains the conflictual experience or part of it, I have to my body.

And so what can I do? Redefine the word. Make it livable. This is how we become creators. WE make a decision about what a word means - we make it practical, physical, and livable. What I've done with this word free for example is made it impractical - defined it according to my imagination, according to my comparisons, and my judgments and limited the word's definition in even equating it to having anything to do with my body shape. I've projected an idea onto other's I see with a certain body type, and I've accepted this idea that 'they are free' because they have this body type. So I think that is freedom. But then I look at myself, and I don't have that body type. So I'm not free?

So this is something I can do to empower myself in re-aligning myself to a relationship with my body that actually honors it, and aligns me to the word FREE in a practical, livable way. I will continue in the next blog opening up that redefinition process and see how I can start implementing the word FREE in my day to day living to no longer allow it to exist as a picture in my mind and instead bringing it into matter through my living actions.

**Check out the link below for SOUL to start getting to know this process of redefining and living words.



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01 September 2017

560: Shattering the Illusory Image

Yesterday I noticed some emotion come up in relation to the last few blogs - this relationship towards my body, and the points I've been sharing on it - feeling a bit like I've shared 'too much' and in a way blame towards myself for 'making it a big deal'. It's like when you put the focus on it the way I have in dedicating the past few blogs to it, you are shedding a lot of light on something you've for awhile kept in the dark and in doing so, one could sabotage oneself to keep it in the dark by thinking "you shouldn't share that" and "you're making it a bigger problem than it is."

It's like the focus of my attention doesn't want to be the actual focus because in that focus, all is seen, or at least that's the process. To see it all because in that seeing, that awareness, one can understand it and ultimately change it. And so the reaction of "it's too much attention on this one, little point" is the fear of change speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I shouldn't pay too much attention to my relationship with my body as a 'problem' in thinking I am making it more/worse than what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose too much of what I've kept secret for fear of how others will see/think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's better to just be quiet and not share my process through thoughts of sabotage where I tell myself "it's not a big deal", and "I am just making it a bigger deal than it is"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in judgment of myself and my sharing on my relationship with my body in thinking it's too much, and I am making myself sound like something I'm not and that I have a bigger problem than I actually do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other's interpret my words instead of realizing that the defining point here is who I am in my words and if I can walk and stand by these words - then that's what matters - and that's the process thus necessary to change once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an emotional reaction of fear in thinking I've shared too much

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my fear of sharing too much is actually the realization that I'm shattering an idea and definition of myself that will also shatter the idea and definition I present to others - which if it can shatter than it was never real and thus must go!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose the illusory image of myself I've built up and created around the real me - the me I've kept in the dark and feared to shed light on because in that, I will have to face who I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become, and the relationship to myself and all life equally and if I do that, I will have to change and so will others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sabotage myself into shutting up

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I fear I must face, and so if I fear sharing my darker self, the parts of me I keep hidden, then ultimately I will have to face that fear and so rather walk the process as directive principle in blogs than having consequences created where I am forced to face it

When and as I see myself thinking I shared too much or that I shouldn't make such a big deal about things when I walk them through my blogs, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is the tactic of me as my mind to remain the same and not have to change who I am and my relationship to my body. I commit myself to thus not give in to sabotaging thoughts and rather walk with and as myself, gently, yet steadily to ensure I never accept and allow myself to create the same relationship with me, and all life, that does not honor the life here

When and as I see myself fearing others will see my differently based on what I share in blogs, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is simply a fear to lose the image of me I've presented to others and if it's something I fear to lose, it means I can lose it and will have to lose it to prove to myself that I am NOT that and what is real is what remains and so I commit myself to remove the illusion, layer by layer, blog by blog, breath by breath to dis-cover who is really here - what is under the constructs I've created around me - to find out once and for all who I am - what are my principles? what do I stand for? what am I willing to do and become in this life?

I commit myself to answers these questions in this process and Journey to Life.



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31 August 2017

559: Good/Bad Foods and Why We Want a More Appealing Body


Today I felt a very slight, and very subtle sickness throughout the body. Like a potential for a fever and for some sinus thing happening. I consider it being in relation the point I recently opened up through blogs in relation to my body and my stomach specifically.

Today I was a bit more comfortable, not as focused on my body, but noticed I was more paying attention to what I was eating. Taking notes, and taking points essentially – where I was calculating what I was eating, whether it’s going to put weight on or help me lose it and based on what I ate today, I am prepared to gain rather than lose. I had carbs throughout the day, and to me, that is a no no in terms of losing weight.

This type of thinking I can see is potential for creating an eating disorder. I mean I am basically existing within the nature of the pattern, where I am too concerned about my body, too concerned about what I eat, too concerned about the outcome the foods will have on my body shape and size. From my perspective, that is a starting point for an eating disorder.

I can say I would never let such a thing develop to such an extent where I would withhold food from myself, or throw it up after eating, but I cannot deny that the nature of thoughts I am currently existing within isn't far from what I'm sure many who do deal with an eating disorder also have. So - this must be dealt with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods I eat will put more weight on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods I eat won't help me lose weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict towards food where I desire carbs but resist them at the same time in fear they will only make me gain weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation for carbs and then go into blame and guilt and disappointment when I eat the carbs in thinking “I will only gain weight’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about only whether I will lose or gain weight when I eat foods instead of considering the sustenance I am receiving for my body to continue existing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define food as being that which only adds weight to my body or helps remove it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make eating foods more than what it is through constantly thinking and obsessing about what I am eating and what effects it’s having on my body in terms of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessive about what I eat and the weight of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the enjoyment of eating foods and the actual nourishment it provides my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated in thinking it doesn’t matter what I do, I will only ever gain weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the ideas about foods and what effects they have on my weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my weight to consume such a large part of my time and attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished within my body when I eat things I think are ‘bad’ and ‘full of carbs’ and will only put more weight on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see carbs as a bad thing and something that only equates to more weight on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear carbs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist eating carbs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely useless when it comes to ‘keeping a figure’ that I believe is more appealing – and in that, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to ask myself who am I trying to appeal – who is my body actually for?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my body to be appealing to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if others find my body appealing – they will love and appreciate me more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need others to love and appreciate me more instead of realizing I need to love and appreciate me more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I have an appealing body to others, then I’m safe in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I support these constructs of ‘what is beautiful’ and appealing and support this belief in others that woman must have a certain body type to be appreciated, loved, and accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an example of something that is not best for all by believing my worth as a human is placed in the shape of my body instead of who I am as a living, breathing, being in my thoughts, words, and deeds

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live an example that is best for all by living self-love and self-appreciation and full self-acceptance of who I am rather than what I look like.

When and as I see myself thinking about, and obsessing about what I'm eating and what it will create in terms of my body weight, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is the start of a dysfunctional relationship with foods, and my body and could, if continued to be allowed, create an eating disorder and so I commit myself to stop this nonsense here and get back to the common sense of why we eat in the first place, and why food matters, and why, no matter what the shape and size of body is, matters

When and as I see myself thinking about carbs and not wanting to eat them, and defining them as 'bad' and the cause of my weight gain, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that carbs are not the problem, and even what I eat is not the problem. I AM the problem in terms of WHO I AM in relation to what I eat - the problem exists within the nature of my thoughts as myself when deciding what to eat and how I feel about that. And so I commit myself to change the nature of my thoughts to no longer see foods as bad as the source for my weight gain and instead continue to investigate my relationship to foods and my body as the source of which my body and experience is shaped

When and as I see myself wanting a more appealing body type, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a want is stemmed from a fear of not being loved or appreciated or accepted and I think I will get that from others IF I have an appealing body when in reality, I am looking for it because I am not living it FOR/AS myself and so I commit myself to living self-love, appreciation, and acceptance - by paying more attention to my breath, and my physical movements, and the daily interactions with others, and the smell in the air, and the sounds around me - paying attention to what matters, IN MATTER




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29 August 2017

558: The First Step is Always Acceptance

Today I felt uncomfortable in my body. Feeling like the stomach is a bit bigger than yesterday. Feeling more discouraged, frustrated, and angry. And in that, a wish for it to be different. And while I was well aware of what I've been looking at and realizing the last couple days, the overall sense of dissatisfaction was still present. And while I realize some things cannot possibly change in just a day or two, I was still a bit frustrated that I didn't notice any more stability within me in relation to this point.

Last year about this time, I was working out for 2 months straight, almost every day at least an hour a day. I was determined to make a change to my body... but what happened? Nothing. There was absolutely no change in my body. lol - it's kind of funny actually because no matter what I did in terms of exercise, my body did not change. And so what does that tell me? It's not exercise. My lack or continuation of it is not affecting my weight. There is another factor.

So what it is?

I always look at food, and exercise first, as if those are the only two possible reasons one would gain or lose weight. But what is the one thing I resisted to look at as perhaps the contributing factor? The emotional state in relation to my weight... my relationship with my body.

And I realize that this is a lifetime in the making - I've created this relationship to my body for 30+ years. Do I really expect it to change overnight? I'm only now in a position to acknowledge the fact that there is a problem with how I see myself as my body. And that is the 1st step, isn't it? Accept the fact that there is a problem. And it's not food. it's not a diet. It's ME. So I am really only at the beginning of this process.

I can't help but think that in my fear of getting fat, I've created the very fear. Of course, I would gain weight - because I feared it, and I didn't do anything about that fear. I let it accumulate and start to influence my actions, and my food choices, and how I feel about myself on a moment to moment basis. A lesson we perhaps must all learn - you will have to face that which you fear.

So I'm the heaviest I've been in my whole life, and only now am I willing to acknowledge who I've been in relation to my body.

I've been judgmental. I've been ignorant. I've been critical, doubtful, and lustful. I've been paranoid, even crazy at times. And while physically I've been pretty stable in terms of my body and weight - the emotional, inner self as been all over the place. up and down and sideways.

There is a long story, a long history for me in relation to weight, and body image. As I am sure it is for most women. We, as women, are inundated with images of what we should look like. We are told what is attractive, what is put on a pedestal, what men find appealing and believe obtaining that will set us free. But it's a big fat lie, and ultimately we've deceived ourselves by buying into it.

And while I've been facing this point throughout my life, I am only now willing to share on the subject. Which to me is actually a cool point, as it's a cross reference for where I'm at with it. I'm actually willing to take back the power I've given to it. Have you ever noticed how when you are holding something inside yourself, you can't fathom being able to speak about it? Then sometime later you are finally able to open up about it, and you realize how silly it was you were so afraid to share it before. it's because there was a point of acceptance established, a point of responsibility, a point of letting go of the hold it had on you.

So I guess that is where I am at - again the first step - the acceptance. This is who I am. This is where I am at. This is what I am facing. And goddammit, for all the women in this world, and men even, we all have this point to some extent. But why don't we talk about it? Why are we so afraid to be real about the reality of what's going on within us? Shame perhaps, guilt, embarrassment. But I am humbly reminded again that I am not unique. I am a woman, and like many, have issues with my body. I have a mind with thoughts that can come up with anything imaginable. It can be instructive, destructive, and down right nasty. Though I am willing to face those issues and discover where they came from and understand how I created it so that I, in fact, can change it. And there is nothing to be ashamed of by that.

So that's my sharing for today. The hiding and keeping secrets within ourselves are what fuels what we face within our minds. If we dare to share it out loud, verbalize it, write it out, talk to someone about it... already the grip it has on us loosens. So thank you for being my sounding board, and letting me get out something I've kept locked in for quite some time.



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28 August 2017

557: Fear of Getting Fat

I am going to share a bit more here my relationship to my body, and more specifically, my stomach. When I was around 10 years old I stopped dancing, which I had been doing for 8 years already, and competitively for the last few of them. I remember being at home and thinking about how I 'must work out' now that I was stopping dance because, from my 10-year-old perspective, I was going to get fat.

That's quite a consideration for a 10-year-old... thinking I must work out to 'keep my figure' and hopefully prevent myself from gaining weight. And my target area? My stomach.

I then proceeded to put a towel down on the floor in my living room, wearing a short shirt and some shorts, and I began doing sit ups. I must have looked silly, as a friend of the family at the house snapped a picture of me doing this - which I'm sure is still around somewhere at my mother's place.

So here I am at 10 years old, deciding that I would have to create my own work out regime now that I would no longer be dancing. And within this, and what still lingers, is a fear. A fear of the fatness. That I will gain weight. that I will get bigger. That I will 'put on the pounds'. And while for most of my life most would say I have never been overweight, within myself, I always felt overweight. I always felt as if I was just a few too many pounds over what is ideal. And the most problematic of all areas was the stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must work out to prevent myself from gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as a fear of gaining weight and to within this, allow that to be my reason for working out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my whole life have this constant point of 'fat' in the back of my mind - always taunting me, and hanging out just to remind me it's always there, and I could so easily become that!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself throughout the years with a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having extra weight on the body means you are a worthless person and you are inferior to others with less weight on their bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy charge to the word fat and to within this, fear it if I speak it, or think about it, or see it - fear I could become it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat is unacceptable and that I could not accept myself with extra weight on my body and others couldn't accept me with extra weight on my body

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to condition myself within the belief that if I work out, I will never gain weight and to thus use working out and exercise as a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being fat instead of as a point of self-enjoyment and exploring what is possible within/as the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use working out as a means to deal with the fear of becoming fat, instead of simply removing the impractical fear of becoming fat from within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work out for one reason only and that is to prevent becoming fat or to lose weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I'm not working out I'm going to get fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being fat as a bad/negative/horrible thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body within a limitation of definitions as thinking and believing it can only be this or that - thin or fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity within/as myself in relation to my physical body as fearing to be fat, and so desiring to be thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking my want/desire to be thin isn't just a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my body and any extra weight I may put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my body into a submission through exercise wherein I define it as unacceptable to be anything less than I want it to be, and due to my fear, my want is for it to be thin and so I compare it, and judge it, and berate it, and push it to work hard to lose weight to be acceptable within my eyes and the eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body is what matters in this life

When and as I see myself fearing to be fat, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my fear of being fat comes from an idea that to be fat is to be bad and so I resist it, and push away from it, when in reality I am only running away from my own self-created definitions - wherein if I didn't see being fat as such an ugly/bad/negative thing, it woulnd't scare me so much. And so I commit myself to equalize how I define the word fat - for it to be a descritpion without a negaitve associsation where it's not used to judge or belittle people but rather to describe something

When and as I see myself wanting to be thin, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my want to be thin is coming from an actual fear of being fat and so within this, I commit myself to face this fear of being fat - to forgive the ideas I have of being fat and to rid myself of the associations that enslave me to the fear - realizing the size of my body does not determine who I am - my words, and my thoughts and my actions do

I commit myself to stopping the behaviors that are symptoms of a fear of being fat - where I touch my stomach, or look in the mirror, or pay too much attention to my belly - in these moments I commit myself to stop myself, to stop the actions that fuel the fear and the ideas within my mind. I stop in those moments, and I breathe. I breathe within/as my body realizing the entirety of what is here as my body and let go of the limited view I've created of being thin or fat that is not even a part of this reality of what my physical body actually is it's the totality of its existence and expression



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556: What Are We Missing when We Judge our Bodies?

Last night I had a dream I was pregnant. I was full term, but the belly seemed somewhat under developed. I actually enjoyed the experience and overall I was content within the dream in relation to being pregnant. Though at one point I lifted my shirt and noticed a bruising/wilted part of the belly, below my belly button. I immediately reacted with guilt and shame for my allowing such negligence that I would have created this. I was concerned for the baby, and the damage I had done. I thought that I did it from working as a server, constantly leaning over tables. I was so disappointed in myself. But then I read something from a doctor that said such a thing was expected, and I had medication even for the bruised area – like a cream to rub on it. I was so relieved.

As I was telling my partner about this dream, he mentioned it was interesting that the bruising was around my stomach area – that that part of my body was seen as damaged, and neglected and within that, I felt shame and disappointment.

It’s interesting because I have such a type of relationship with my body – my stomach always being a point of focus where I think it’s not good enough, or not quite up to standards. And even recently in gaining some extra weight, feeling more and more uncomfortable with my stomach. There is absolutely judgments and perhaps, as the dream indicated, there is deeper shame and guilt for the type of abuse I allow within myself in relation to my stomach, and overall my body. Where I push it to be looking a standard that others say is acceptable, and I am ultimately never able to fulfill and so dissatisfied.

Perhaps there are deeper feelings of disappointment that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly, to judge my body so much, to compare it to others, to an unrealistic standard and so creating a constant state of disappointment.

And the kicker – the amount of value placed on my body/stomach in what I think it SHOULD look like is used to define myself personally. As if the size of my stomach actually determines the type of person I am is like saying the color of someone’s skin, or the color of their eyes do. And yet I’ve accepted such a definition and believe that some are better and others are worse simply based on the shape of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body shape as ‘not good enough’ through comparing it to others I define as ‘good enough’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and judge my body to an image outside/separate from me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is ONE WAY a body must look and that way is the ONLY way it can be defined as nice/good/attractive and if it is not that, then it’s a not good enough/failing and a disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the idea of how my body should look rather than seeing it for real, in it’s purest expression as a physical, functioning system that gives and sustains ME and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through expectations I have on it created throughout the years of accepting images outside of me as ‘what I should look like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself in a way in not living up to a standard I accepted as societies standard of what a beautiful body is

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define my body as beautiful as the amazing natured expression it is that moves and functions and exists despite the constant beratement put on it from me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor my body as my temple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I see my physical body through focusing in on only one part of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my body defines who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my body through focusing only on the parts I am not satisfied with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant state of comparison and sizing myself up in relation to others and their bodies and putting myself as either better or worse than them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be told and accept what is beautiful and what is not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than within who I am because my body does not fit into the picture image of what we are told a body should look like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body prohibits me from expressing myself within my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the size of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hate towards my physical body – the one expression on this earth that gives to me unconditional life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself within/as my body as being allowed to exist here within/as it and not yet develop a relationship with my physical body that is harmonious and best for it and for myself as the being within/as it

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to align to my physical body completely and totally – not realizing my body is a universe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut myself off from the totality of my physical body as a universe, where every atom and every cell exist collectively to stand as this physical body I have been gifted with and to within that, not realize the potential I have to understand and get to know my physical body in all its parts – all the atoms and  all the cells… are alive. It is Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize the potential of life as it exists within the very substance of/as my physical body

When and as I see myself judging my physical body and more specifically my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitation and enslavement I am accepting and allowing in such a state of judgment that I’ve created through comparisons and the belief that there is only one type of body that is beautiful. I commit myself to thus stop all judgments as they arise and focus rather on the physical body breathing – the actual movement and expression of what my body is as what actually matters

When and as I see myself focusing in on the parts of my body I don’t like, like my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitations I am accepting and allowing in looking at only one part of my physical body and so missing out on the entirety of the physical body as an actual universe and so I commit myself to expand my focus to be towards the totality of my physical body – from the skin I can touch to the atoms within/as it all – realizing the absolute grandness of what is here as my physical body.

I commit myself to become humble in realizing what my body actually is and what it actually gives to me and allows me to do each and every single day

I commit myself to honor my body, as a temple, as a space in which I’m allowed to experience life on earth

When and as I see myself comparing my body to other people, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow this is to continue to allow separation among humans wherein we define each other according to their size, shape, skin color, religion, whatever – and this must stop here. I commit myself to stop separation between myself and others through stopping comparisons as making some more or less than others and instead realize the equality and oneness of each body – each being as ONE and Equal in the substance of who they are

I commit myself to stop abusing my body through suggesting it is a shape it is not supposed to be and rather embrace it as it is – realizing it’s perfect in the sense of its actual functioning

I commit myself to keep in mind what matters – the body as the flesh, as the self and not the shape or the look of it

I commit myself to stop neglecting the relationship I have with my body and start silencing the mind to hear what is here - the breath and the heart beat, the organs, the blood, the bones, and the cells that are alive



Featured Artwork: Andrew Gable

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