557: Fear of Getting Fat

I am going to share a bit more here my relationship to my body, and more specifically, my stomach. When I was around 10 years old I stopped dancing, which I had been doing for 8 years already, and competitively for the last few of them. I remember being at home and thinking about how I 'must work out' now that I was stopping dance because, from my 10-year-old perspective, I was going to get fat.

That's quite a consideration for a 10-year-old... thinking I must work out to 'keep my figure' and hopefully prevent myself from gaining weight. And my target area? My stomach.

I then proceeded to put a towel down on the floor in my living room, wearing a short shirt and some shorts, and I began doing sit ups. I must have looked silly, as a friend of the family at the house snapped a picture of me doing this - which I'm sure is still around somewhere at my mother's place.

So here I am at 10 years old, deciding that I would have to create my own work out regime now that I would no longer be dancing. And within this, and what still lingers, is a fear. A fear of the fatness. That I will gain weight. that I will get bigger. That I will 'put on the pounds'. And while for most of my life most would say I have never been overweight, within myself, I always felt overweight. I always felt as if I was just a few too many pounds over what is ideal. And the most problematic of all areas was the stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must work out to prevent myself from gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as a fear of gaining weight and to within this, allow that to be my reason for working out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my whole life have this constant point of 'fat' in the back of my mind - always taunting me, and hanging out just to remind me it's always there, and I could so easily become that!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself throughout the years with a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having extra weight on the body means you are a worthless person and you are inferior to others with less weight on their bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy charge to the word fat and to within this, fear it if I speak it, or think about it, or see it - fear I could become it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat is unacceptable and that I could not accept myself with extra weight on my body and others couldn't accept me with extra weight on my body

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to condition myself within the belief that if I work out, I will never gain weight and to thus use working out and exercise as a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being fat instead of as a point of self-enjoyment and exploring what is possible within/as the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use working out as a means to deal with the fear of becoming fat, instead of simply removing the impractical fear of becoming fat from within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work out for one reason only and that is to prevent becoming fat or to lose weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I'm not working out I'm going to get fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being fat as a bad/negative/horrible thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body within a limitation of definitions as thinking and believing it can only be this or that - thin or fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity within/as myself in relation to my physical body as fearing to be fat, and so desiring to be thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking my want/desire to be thin isn't just a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my body and any extra weight I may put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my body into a submission through exercise wherein I define it as unacceptable to be anything less than I want it to be, and due to my fear, my want is for it to be thin and so I compare it, and judge it, and berate it, and push it to work hard to lose weight to be acceptable within my eyes and the eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body is what matters in this life

When and as I see myself fearing to be fat, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my fear of being fat comes from an idea that to be fat is to be bad and so I resist it, and push away from it, when in reality I am only running away from my own self-created definitions - wherein if I didn't see being fat as such an ugly/bad/negative thing, it woulnd't scare me so much. And so I commit myself to equalize how I define the word fat - for it to be a descritpion without a negaitve associsation where it's not used to judge or belittle people but rather to describe something

When and as I see myself wanting to be thin, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my want to be thin is coming from an actual fear of being fat and so within this, I commit myself to face this fear of being fat - to forgive the ideas I have of being fat and to rid myself of the associations that enslave me to the fear - realizing the size of my body does not determine who I am - my words, and my thoughts and my actions do

I commit myself to stopping the behaviors that are symptoms of a fear of being fat - where I touch my stomach, or look in the mirror, or pay too much attention to my belly - in these moments I commit myself to stop myself, to stop the actions that fuel the fear and the ideas within my mind. I stop in those moments, and I breathe. I breathe within/as my body realizing the entirety of what is here as my body and let go of the limited view I've created of being thin or fat that is not even a part of this reality of what my physical body actually is it's the totality of its existence and expression



The Journey to Lifers

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:

Desteni

DIP Lite Course (FREE)


DIP Pro


Eqafe (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc)


For your Info:


Destonian Wiki


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

533: When Behaviors and Patterns start to Flare Up

Day 190: Raising my Voice and Running Away - The Truth Revealed

697: My Final Entry